FOOD FOR THOUGHT
AND
FAMOUS QUOTATIONS

 

 

FOOD FOR THOUGHT



Never stop looking for what you can’t see.


The ability to observe is what is called awareness.


ET’s definition of reality:
"Reality, as it is perceived by each human being, is the sum total
of their individual cumulative soul’s life experiences
on a moment-to-moment basis.


Music is what feelings sound like.


Reptili-cans vs Demon-crats


Humans are animated bags of water hanging on a mineral frame.


‘Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.’


A slut is just a woman with the morals of a man.


Reading, writing and arithmetic have been replaced by social media.


Luck is the residue of design


You’ve got brains in your head and feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose


One hundred years ago, the definition of a quack
was someone who charged high prices with little results.
Sound familiar?


Good deeds spread like ripples on a pond.


Life is a collection of moments,
all strung together in beautiful random order.
Concentrate on the good ones, and forget the bad ones.


Stand in the light of your being, and just breathe.


Friends may come and friends may go,
and friends may peter out, you know.
But we’ll be friends through thick and thin,
peter out and peter in.


Those who go to war are each insured for 10 million dollars.
The beneficiary is the USA.
Family members get $600,000.
The more soldiers who die, the richer become the Feds.


There’s no more brilliant light than that which follows complete darkness


Beyond the ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing is a field.
I’ll meet you there.


Failure is the fog through which we view triumph


Only a love that can let you live with or without it can endure.


People who demand to be listened to,
really have nothing to say.

 

If voting changed anything, theyíd make it illegal.

 

If you donít like the road youríre on, start paving another one.

 

Belief Systems! We all have them.
But what is the abbreviation for Belief System?
B.S.??

 

"How difficult can it be to be kind to someone?"

 

"Great men & women
are like meteors that consume themselves
in order to light the world."

 

"Eventually,
everything merges
into the One,
And a river runs through it."

 

"We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented."

 

"If you canít accept anything on faith,
then youíre doomed
to a lifetime of doubt."

 

"We can love completely, without complete understanding."

 

"The Constitution did not give us rights,
It just put on paper what we already knew!"

 

"Get the world to sing your song,
And they will want to know who you are."

 

"The future that you envision
Begins with the thoughts you occupy
In the present moment."

 

"Always be diplomatic
Before inserting a knife in your enemy's back!"

 

"People you donít expect to love, are the ones you never forget."

 

"What doesnít kill you defines you."

 

"Passion is the enemy of precision."

 

"Beware!
The toes you step on today,
Might be connected to the ass you'll kiss tomorrow."

 

"If youíve got one foot in yesterday
And the other foot in tomorrow,
Then youíre pissing all over today!"

 

"Live each day as if it were your last,
And one day youíll be right!"

 

"Youíre a psychopathic personality
With schizophrenic delusions
Suffering from recurring amnesia
Based on traumatic repression
Leading to outbursts
Of anti-social and violent behavior."

 

Strife!
Quit striving.
You already are what you long to be.
Love.

 

"The wisest thing in life is to enjoy it!"

 

"Since all matter and living forms
Are manifestations of God,
We are immersed
within one version of heaven
And everything should be revered."

 

"The road to enlightenment is always under construction."

 

"Did poverty steal your golden shoes?
It didnít steal your hopes and dreams.

 

Gather yourself around your faith
That lights the darkness most fear."

 

"In the end, only kindness matters."

 

I am forever connected to the source of all that is . . . is Love.

 

"There is no room in my soul for negative thought."

 

"The voyage of discovery
Consists not in seeking new landscapes,
But in finding new eyes."

 

"If you believe that you
have to defend your belief against attack,
Know that it is but an illusion.
The truth will not be overcome and therefore
Needs no defense."

 

"In this world, everybody believes
All that they believe they should.
And everybody wants everybody to believe
That what they believe
is what everybody should believe in..."

 

"Befriend yourself and you will never be alone."

 

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

 

"A circle is a line that has become one with itself."

 

"Can you imagine
the wisp of majik and fairy dust
Contained within a llama hum,
An eagle scream
and the breeze that slides down an Orca fin?"

 

"If I take the wings of the morning
And dwell in the uppermost parts of the sea
Even there shall thy hand lead me
Thou has covered me in my motherís womb
I will praise thee
for I am fearfully, beautifully made."

 

"Find peace in the ebb and flow of time and space.

 

"Rely on neither advice nor reason,
But remember that great straightness often seems twisted."

 

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
"The lucky ones are those who do what they were meant to do."

 

"Ambition is the ice on the lake of emotion."

 

"If people knew the real truth about things,
theyíd never get up in the morning."

 

"Never allow success to go to your head,
And never allow failure to go to your heart!"

 

"If people simply realized that most major religions
(including Christianity)
are based on astrology and sun worship,
Mankind would be a lot better off..."

 

"There was a time when religion ruled the world.
It was known as The Dark Ages."

 

"Within one century after the "discovery" of America,
50 million non-Christian natives were killed by
Catholic and Christian soldiers, explorers and missionaries."

 

"Fear paints pictures of ghosts
and hangs them in the gallery of ignorance."

 

"A liar will fall on their face faster than a person with one leg."

 

"It takes a smart woman to fall in love with a good man."

 

"The love that we withhold
 is the pain that we carry,
from lifetime to lifetime."

 

"Place one foot in front of the other,
and soon you'll be miles down the road."

 

Thought released to act upon itself
will return in manifestation glorified,
and in a form more magnificent
than the limited focused mind can imagine.

 

"Civilization" is synonymous with slavery.

 

Personal responsibility is the keynote to freedom.

 

Subtle energy is powerful, and the most powerful energy is subtle.

 

To discover the truth in life,
we must discard all that we have been taught.

 

Many are the roads that do not lead to the heart.

 

He who makes a beast of himself, loses the pain of being a man.

 

You donít look the devil in the face,
without taking a ride to the bottom floor.

 

The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.

 

Prayer is a noble act or deed.

 

The mercy of your enemy is a kind of hell.

 

I am ready to risk it all,
and that is where the radical and the rich guy make a perfect combination.
The radical may fight with the purity of geniuses,
but the rich guy wins with the cunning of Satan.

 

I love museums because they are one of the few places left in the world
whereís nobodyís trying to sell you anything.

 

The manufacture of nuclear fuel rods is what destroyed our ozone layer.

 

Skepticism equals willful ignorance.

 

If we donít change our direction, we are likely to wind up where we are headed.

 

Fame is a generationís black plague.

 

You canít be what you canít see

 

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they donít have any.

 

Buy a gun, rob a bank; Buy a bank, rob the world!

 

"Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid."

 

"All photographs are accurate, but none of them is the truth."

 

"If the mainstream media were to fold,
and celebrity tabloids were the only people out there publishing,
it would mean that our entire system of democracy has collapsed."

 

Dreams are tailored for your private emotions,
so that you can work off certain emotional blocks
that have not been released during the daytime.

 

True marriage is to live consciously as God and Goddess,
free of any taboo whatsoever.

 

The origin of the word "woman" came from "wife-man"

 

Why do women want the men who donít "see" them,
instead of the ones who do "see" them?

 

Life is not measured by how many breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away

 

MEEKNESS:
An attitude of humble, submissive and expectant trust in God,
and a loving, patient and gentle attitude towards others.
Remember, the meek shall inherit the earth!

 

People tend to cling to the bliss of their ignorance like jealous lovers.

 

Itís never too late to be who you might have been

 

Itís not much of a life when you canít call your soul your own

 

People of accomplishment rarely set back and let things happen to them,
they went out and happened to things.

 

The General Vibratory Rate is the moral energy expression
of every lifetime action and experience

 

The guilty man who doesnít get caught is never free

 

Mankind can waste his time with political reforms,
which is analogous to moving the furniture around on the Titanic!

 

"Forever is a long time, but not as long as it was yesterday."

 

Truth is the only safe ground to stand upon

 

If you donít know where you are going, any road will take you there.

 

Itís not about finding yourself, itís about creating yourself.

 

Sometimes itís the very people who no one imagines anything about,
who do the things no one can imagine.

 

Thereís a crack in everything, thatís how the light gets in.

 

Definition of a conspiracy theory:
The truth is a lie unless the liars say it is true

 

Your gift is seeing through the lies others tell themselves,
Your curse is choosing when to let them know.

 

The descendants of the Fallen Angels
are responsible for the rise of orthodox religion.

 

Feelings are fleeting, on the surface;
Emotions are very deep and primal; they linger.

 

Iím going to die, and Iíd rather not take the scenic route

 

Color my life with the chaos of trouble.

 

NASA (Never-a-Straight-Answer)

 

FEAR (False Event Appearing Real)

 

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out
when it was discovered that they gave orders better from up there.

 

The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

We have each other, Everything else is background noise

 

If you continue to do what youíve always done,
You will always be what youíve always been.

 

There is no past we can bring back by longing for it.
Only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws.

 

Life is too short to blend in

 

Life is like being trapped inside the wrong house and looking for the way out!

 

God is a mystery you canít nail down with one book.

 

Sometimes a man can meet his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.

 

"When you want what you've never had, you must do what you've never done."

 

Never regard the ordinary without perceiving within it, the extraordinary.

 

Worry is interest on trouble that hasnít happened yet.

 

Wine is sunlight held together by water.

 

Fate is the sum of determination and desperation.

 

"There is always one moment in childhood
when the door opens and lets the future in."

 

"All current organized religions are 4th dimensional dualistic filter systems
that manipulate the human mind
for the purposes of the Powers and the Principalities."

 

"Thereís no weakness in forgiveness."

 

"Each shadow, no matter how deep, is threatened by morning light."

 

"Donít put yourself in front of your Self."

 

"Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere..."

 

"The more humans try to define themselves,
the more they drown in their confusion."

 

It riles them to know that you perceive the web they weave!

 

It seems that Godís answering machine reached its message limit eons ago!

 

Resentment is the only thing that eats its own container!

 

When those in power deny your freedom, the only path to freedom, is Power.

 

The wind from one door closing . . . opens another!

 

Use your imagination to discover the origins of ideas
and you will understand all that is, was and will be.

 

"Kill all my demons and my angels might die too."

 

"Life is a journey, not a destination."

 

You laugh at me because I'm different.
I laugh at you because you are all the same.

 

"Fill your brains with knowledge, and you will succeed on this planet."

 

"The greed of a few destroy the needs of many."

 

"Male domination and materialism is inherently destructive
to Earthís ecosystems and the human heart."

 

"Coincidence is a glimpse into a pattern otherwise hidden."

 

"All of us are in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

 

"As soon as we change the way we think, material reality will follow."

 

"The Beast lurks within all organized religions,
and his favorite 5-star hotel is the Vatican."

 

"We dispossess ourselves through our possessions."

 

"The only thing that can truly show emotion is facial expression.
The rest is just circumstantial."

 

"Each shadow, no matter how deep, is threatened by morning light."

 

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking."

 

"96% of all the species that ever existed since the dawn of time are extinct.
How long do you think we can keep hiding in the 4% with our current level of stupidity?"

 

"If you are not living on the edge, you are taking up too much space."

 

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

 

"Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted."

 

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult task,
since it consists principally in dealing with men."

 

"There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire,
which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity,
but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity."

 

"Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed.
If I fail, no one will say, ĎShe doesn't have what it takesí;
They will say, ĎWomen don't have what it takesí."

 

"If a woman is sufficiently ambitious, determined and gifted
there is practically nothing she can't do."

 

"Outward beauty is not enough,
to be attractive a woman must use words, wit, playfulness,
sweet-talk, and laughter to transcend the gifts of Nature."

 

"Never use money to measure wealth."

 

"We live that we may learn to love,
and we love that we may learn to live,
no other lesson is required of us."

 

Great people talk about ideas,
Average people talk about things,
Small people talk about other people.

 

He who makes a beast of himself, loses the pain of being a man.

 

You donít look the devil in the face,
without taking a ride to the bottom floor.

 

The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.

 

Prayer is a noble act or deed.

 

The mercy of your enemy is a kind of hell.

 

I am ready to risk it all,
and that is where the radical and the rich guy make a perfect combination.
The radical may fight with the purity of geniuses,
but the rich guy wins with the cunning of Satan.

 

I remember the days when my favorites place of refuge
when my life as a teenager got to be overwhelming
was the library.
And escape to anywhere in the world/universe/or other realms
was right there on the shelves.

 

Our government declared war on a terrorist organization that doesnít even exist.
No one can destroy it;
no oneís safe from it,
and no one knows when it will turn up again.

 

Defense Department auditors told the House Armed Services Committee
that taxpayers paid some $300,000 for telephone calls
from the Pentagon to Dial-a-Porn services.

 

Did you know that Napoleon had six fingers and six toes?
He had a genetic lineage to the giant Nephilim,
who also had six fingers and six toes.

 

In the original text of the Kolman Bible,
the word "sheol" was used frequently,
and it meant "invisible worlds".
This was later translated into "hell"
and given an entirely new meaning by the Roman Catholic Church.

 

"There is hope for humanity,
not because we will all suddenly choose to change for the better,
but because the consciousness of humanity is subject to a cosmic plan
that cannot be altered or manipulated,
an unfolding Divine Plan that is delineated by the Mayan Calendar."

 

Your imagination is the entry point to the "mind of God", which is infinite potentiality.

 

The ego is not an entity of separate identity, but is a very active aspect of the human experience.

 

Chaos is especially pregnant with opportunity for change.

 

The avatars of the past have planted the seeds of understanding that lie dormant within human awareness.

 

Judgment has been a word used to conjure up failure and guilt.
Release that concept.
It is another of the tools used to control you.
Condemnation and judgment are synonymous.

 

The desire for what is entirely different creates a new vibratory opening.

 

Much can be accomplished through the emotion of gratitude, for it produces an uplifting of the spirit.

 

Only those prayers that ask for empowerment within the framework of Creation can be answered.

 

The attitude of gratitude brings altitude.
In other words, the attitude of gratitude creates a return flow,
and allows for greater exchange of the supporting attentive awareness.

 

The ideal of freedom through personal responsibility
offers the true solution for the evolvement of the consciousness of humanity.

 

Nature is Creation expressing in harmony with itself.

 

The first Law of Creation is the Law of Attraction.
The second Law of Creation is the Law of Deliberate or Purposeful Intent.

 

 

FAMOUS QUOTATIONS

"Itís not that Iím afraid to die,
I just donít want to be there when it happens!"

- Woody Allen

 

"Whoever you are
Some evening
take a step outside of your house,
Which you know so well.
Enormous space is near!"
- Rainer Maria Rilke

 

"To be forgiven, we must first believe in sin."
- Jewel

 

"How about remembering your divinity?"
- Alanis Morrisette

 

"How Ďbout getting off of these antibiotics?
How Ďbout stopping eating when Iím full up?
How Ďbout them transparent dangling carrots?
How Ďbout me blaming you for everything?
How Ďbout me enjoying the moment for once?
How Ďbout how good it feels to finally forgive you?"
- Alanis Morrisette

 

"There is more to life than grabbing a tit!"
- Ascended Master Ramtha

 

"We will all be Christed
when we hear ourselves say
ĎWe are that to which we prayí "
- Jewel

 

"One ship sails east
and another sails west
With the self-same winds that blow.
Tis the set of the sail
and not the gale
Which determines the way they go.
As the winds of the sea
are the ways of fate
As we voyage along through life,
Tis the act of the soul
that determines the goal,
And not the calm or the strife."
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

 

The stages of the Noble Path are:
Right Behavior,
Right Speech,
Right Concentration,
Right Effort,
Right Livelihood,
Right Action,
Right Mindfulness,
Right Thought.
- Buddha

 

This myth of Christ, it has served us well.
- Pope Leo X

 

"Your medical people
will have more lives to answer for in the other world
than even we generals."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

 

"There are a thousand
hacking at the branches of evil
to one who is striking at the root."
- Henry David Thoreau

 

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience
in which you stop to look fear in the face."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

"Mythology is what grown-ups believe,
folklore is what they tell their children,
and religion is both."
- Cedric Whitman

 

"Of all the tyrannies that affect Mankind,
tyranny in religion is the worst;
every other species of tyranny is limited to the world we live in;
but religious tyranny attempts to stride beyond the grave,
and seeks to pursue us into eternity."
- Thomas Paine

 

"The exact contrary of what is generally believed is often the truth."
- Jean de la Bruyere

 

"If all records told the same tale -
then the lie passed into history and became truth.
Who controls the past, controls the future.
Who controls the present, controls the past."
- George Orwell, 1984

 

"The idea that religion and politics donít mix
was invented by the Devil
to keep Christians from running their own country."
- Rev. Jerry Falwell

 

"Toward no crimes have men
shown themselves so cold-bloodedly cruel
as in punishing differences in belief."
- James Russell Lowell

 

"They came with a Bible and their religion -
stole our land and crushed our spirit...
And now tell us we should be thankful
to the "Lord" for being saved."
- Chief Pontiac

 

"Missionaries are perfect nuisances,
and leave every place worse than they found it."
- Charles Dickens

 

"If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
- Anatole France

 

"Jesus has now been reduced to a mantra...
chanted mindlessly by followers,
who have no idea of the relationship
of doctrine to history and mythology..."
- A. A. Snow

 

"Since 1985,
the Catholic Church has paid out over $350 million
in damages related to sexual abuse."
- Jason Berry

 

"The bible and the church
have been the greatest stumbling blocks
in the way of womenís emancipation."
- Elizabeth Cady Stanton

 

"The most violent element in our society is ignorance."
- Emma Goldman

 

"A believer is a bird in a cage;
a freethinker is an eagle parting the clouds with tireless wing."
- Robert G. Ingersoll

 

"And when the dew that lay was gone up,
behold, upon the face of the wilderness
there lay a small round thing (mushroom?),
as small as the hoar frost on the ground.
"And when the children of Israel saw it,
they said one to another, It is manna;
for they wist not what it was.
And Moses said unto them,
This is the bread which the Lord hath given you to eat."
- Exodus 16:14 & 15

 

"Hope is a feather that perches in the soul."
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

 

"A patriot sets himself apart in his own country under his own flag,
sneers at other nations and keeps an army of uniformed assassins on hand at heavy expense
to grab slices of other people's countries and keep them from grabbing slices of his.
In the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands
and works for 'the universal brotherhood of man' - with his mouth."

- from an article entitled THE LOWEST ANIMAL by Mark Twain

 

The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious.
It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science.
Whosoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, or no longer marvel,
is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed.

- Albert Einstein

 

But who prays for Satan?
Who, in eighteen centuries,
has had the common humanity
to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
- Mark Twain

 

Darkness cannot drive out darkness,
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate,
only love can do that.
- Martin Luther King

 

It ainít what you donít know that gets you into trouble,
Itís what you know for sure that just ainít so.
- Mark Twain

 

Memory is the scribe of the soul
- Aristotle

 

"How can I begin anything new with all of yesterday in me?"
- Leonard Cohen

 

"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist
is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain

 

Tomorrow belongs to those who can hear it coming.
- David Bowie

 

The two most important days in your life
are the day you were born and the day you found out why.
- Mark Twain

 

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which
it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
- Mark Twain

 

Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.
Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.
- Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

 

"The greatest good is knowledge, and the greatest evil is ignorance."
- Socrates


Life is too important to be taken seriously 
-Oscar Wilde


‘The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Curiosity has its own reason for existing.’
-Albert Einstein


"While two people are having sexual intercourse in the third dimension, beings in the fourth dimension can trigger emotional energies, beings in the fifth dimension can become excited by the kundalini fire and have cosmic orgasms, beings in the sixth dimension can expand and amplify the fields of these pulsations throughout the galaxy, beings in the seventh dimension can carry the feelings via galactic information highways, entities in the eighth dimension can organize new morphogenetic fields from sexual seismic waves, while ninth-dimensional entities can birth new biological forms in the galactic center black hole."
-Barbara Hand Clow, THE PLEIADIAN AGENDA



 

LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS

The Internal Revenue Service is not a U.S. Government Agency.
It is an Agency of the International Monetary Fund (IMF).
(Diversified Metal Products v.IRS et al. CV-93-405E-EJE U.S.D.C.D.I.,Public Law 94-564,
Senate Report 94-1148 pg. 5967, Reorganization Plan No. 26, Public Law102-391.)

The IMF is an Agency of the UN.
(Blacks Law Dictionary, 6th Ed. Pg. 816)

The U.S. has not had a Treasury since 1921.
(41 Stat. Ch.214 pg. 654)

The U.S. Treasury is now the IMF.
(Presidential Documents Volume 29-No.4 pg.113, 22 U.S.C. 285-288)

The United States does not have any employees
because there is no longer a United States.
No more reorganization.
After over 200 years of operating under bankruptcy,
itís finally over.
(Executive Order 12803)
Do not impersonate one of the creditors or shareholders
or you will go to prison.
(18 U.S.C. 914)

The FCC, CIA, FBI, NASA and all of the other alphabet gangs
were never part of the United States government,
even though the "US Government"
held shares of stock in the various agencies.
(U.S. V.Strang, 254 US 491, Lewis v. US, 680 F.2d,1239)

Social Security Numbers are issued by the UN through the IMF.
The application for a Social Security Number is the SS5 form.
The Department of the Treasury (IMF) issues the SS5,
not the Social Security Administration.
The new SS5 forms do not state who or what publishes them.
The earlier SS5 forms state that they are Department of the Treasury forms.
You can get a copy of the SS5 you filled out
by sending form SSA-L996 to the SS Administration.
(20 CFR chapter 111, subpart B 422.103 (b) (2)(2) Read the cites above)

There are no Judicial courts in America
and there have not been any since 1789.
Judges do not enforce Statutes and Codes.
Executive Administrators enforce Statutes and Codes.
(FRC v. GE 281 US 464, Keller v. PE 261 US 428, 1 Stat. 138-178)

There have not been any judges in America since 1789.
There have only been administrators.
(FRC v.GE 281 US 464, Keller v. PE 261 US 428 1Stat. 138-178)

According to the GATT,
you must have a Social Security number.
House Report (103-826)

We have a One World Government,
One World Law and a One World Monetary System. *

The UN is a One World Super Government. *

No one on this planet has ever been free.
This planet is a Slave Colony.
There has always been a One World Government;
only now it is much better organized
and has changed its name, as of 1945, to the United Nations. *

New York City is defined in the Federal Regulations as the United Nations.
Rudolph Gulliani stated on C-Span that "New York City is the capital of the World"
and he was correct.
(20 CFR chapter 111, subpart B 422.103 (b) (2)

Social Security is not insurance or a contract,
nor is there a Trust Fund.
(Helvering v. Davis 301 US 619, Steward Co. V. Davis 301 US 548.)

Your Social Security check comes directly from the IMF
which is an Agency of the UN.
(Look at one, if you receive SS.
It should have written on the top left "United States Treasury".)

You own no property. Slaves can't own property.
Read the Deed to the property that you think is yours.
You are listed as a Tenant. (Senate Document 43, 73rd Congress 1st Session)

Guess what were the original three freedoms
expressly guaranteed by the 1st Amendment to the US Consititution?
Life, Liberty, and "Property".
"Property" was later changed to the "Pursuit of Happiness".

The most powerful court in America
is not the United States Supreme Court
but the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania.
(42 Pa.C.S.A. 502)

The Revolutionary War was a fraud.
(See #s 22, 23 and 24)

The King of England financially backed both sides of the Revolutionary war.
(Treaty at Versailles July 16, 1782, Treaty of Peace 8 Stat 80)

You cannot use the Constitution to defend yourself
because you are not a party to it.
(Padelford Fay & Co. v. The Mayor and Alderman
of The City of Savannah 14 Georgia 438, 520)

America is a British Colony.
THE UNITED STATES IS A CORPORATION,
NOT A LAND MASS
AND IT EXISTED BEFORE THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR
AND THE BRITISH TROOPS DID NOT LEAVE UNTIL 1796.
(Respublica v. Sweers 1 Dallas 43, Treaty of Commerce 8 Stat 116,
The Society for Propagating the Gospel, &c. V. New Haven 8 Wheat 464,
Treaty of Peace 8 Stat 80, IRS Publication 6209,
Articles of Association October 20, 1774.)

Britain is owned by the Vatican.
(Treaty of 1213 A.D.)

The Pope can abolish any law in the United States.
(Elements of Ecclesiastical Law, Vol.1 53-54)

A 1040 form is for tribute paid to Britain.
(IRS Publication 6209)

The Pope claims to own the entire planet
through the laws of conquest and discovery.
(Papal Bulls of 1455 and 1493)

The Pope has ordered
the genocide and enslavement of millions of people.
(Papal Bulls of 1455 and 1493)

The Popeís laws are obligatory on everyone.
(Bened. XIV., De Syn.Dioec,lib, ix., c. vii., n. 4. Prati,1844)
(Syllabus, prop 28, 29, 44)

We are slaves and own absolutely nothing -
not even what we consider to be our children.
(Tillman v. Roberts 108 So. 62,
Van Koten v. Van Koten 154 N.E. 146,
Senate Document 43 & 73rd Congress 1st Session,
Wynehammer v. People 13 N.Y. REP 378, 481)

Military Dictator George Washington divided the States (Estates) into Districts.
(Messages and papers of the Presidents Vo 1, pg 99.
Websters 1828 dictionary for definition of Estate.)

"The People" does not include you and me.
(Barron v. Mayor & City Council of Baltimore. 32 U.S. 243)

The United States Government was not founded upon Christianity.
(Treaty of Tripoli 8 Stat 154.)

It is not the duty of the police to protect you.
Their job is to protect the Corporation and arrest code breakers.
(Sapp v. Tallahasee, 348 So. 2nd. 363,
Reiff v. City of Philadelphia, 477 F.Supp. 1262,
Lynch v. N.C. Dept of Justice 376 S.E. 2nd. 247)

Everything in the "United States" is For Sale:
roads, bridges, schools, hospitals, water, prisons, airports etc.
I wonder who bought Klamath Lake.
Did anyone take the time to check?
(Executive Order 12803)

We are Human capital.
(Executive Order 13037)

The UN has financed the operations of the United States government for over 50 years
and now owns every man, women and child in America.
The UN also holds all of the Land in America in Fee Simple. *

The good news is we don't have to fulfill "our" fictitious obligations.
You can discharge a fictitious obligation with another's fictitious obligation. *

The depression and World War II were a total farce.
The United States and various other companies
were making loans all over the World during the Depression.
The building of Germanyís infrastructure in the 1930's,
including the railroads, was financed by the United States.
In that way, those who call themselves "Kings," "Prime Ministers," and "Fuhrer", etc.,
could sit back and play a game of chess using real people.
Think of all of the Americans and Germans, et al.
who gave their lives believing they were defending their country
(countries which didn't really exist),
the millions of innocent people who died for nothing.
It becomes obvious why Switzerland is never involved in these fiascoes:
Switzerland is where the "Bank of International Settlements" is located.
Wars are manufactured to keep your eye off the ball.
You have to have an enemy in order to keep the illusion of "Government" in place. *

The "United States" did not declare independence
from Great Britain or King George.

*Guess who owns the UN?

 

 

 HUMOROUS FOOD FOR THOUGHT

 

"History teaches us that men behave wisely,
Once they have exhausted all other alternatives."

 

"My Akashic record is scratched,
Life keeps repeating itself."

 

I always wanted to play the clarinet,
but my mother didnít approve of ladies
putting long, cylindrical objects in their mouth.

 

Did you know that nuns have to eat their banana with a knife and fork?

 

What we should do is take all the mentally defective people in this country
and give them government jobs and then just sit back and watch things improve.

 

When elephants fight, only the grass suffers!

 

Men are like snow.
You never know how many inches you will get, or how long it will last!

 

"I donít mumble when I talk. Itís called premature articulation".

 

Some people are like Slinkys.
They're not much good for anything,
but they put a smile on your face when you push them down the stairs.

 

Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.

 

That was Zen, but this is Tao.

 

Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person
is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

 

You canít polish a turd.

 

If you want to know what God thinks about money,
look at who he gives it to!

 

"If youíre looking for shock value, I suggest you look in the mirror."

 

"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!"

 

"I am nobody, Nobody is perfect, Therefore I am perfect!"

 

Younger men are like chewing gum,
Ten minutes of flavor followed by bland repetition.

 

If you wake up in a red room with no windows and doors,
DON'T panic.. you're just in my heart!!!

 

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."

 

"If heat rises, then heaven might be hotter than hell!"

 

"I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter."

 

"The Internet:
where real men are real men,
where real women are real men,
and where little girls are FBI agents"

 

"I drive like young people fuck."

 

My penis can see the future, thatís why I call him Nostrocockus :)

 

What did the Buddhist monk say to the Chinese hot dog vendor?
He said, "Make me one with everything."
So the Buddhist monk gave the vendor $20 and the vendor pocketed the money.
And the Buddhist monk said, "What about change?"
The Chinese vendor replied, "Change comes from within!"

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

 

The main reason why Santa is so jolly
is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is. having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money. 
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.


Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.


There seems to be a sweet deer caught in the swift headlights of an intellectual progress striving to pierce the darkness of illusory ignorance. In some ways, the ensuing roadkill is a dour testament to our collective stabile fate; always constrained to take the long road home.


I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like
And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve!


I suppose it’s no fun learning new things,
when you don’t have any place to store them!


When I want your opinion, I’ll definitely give it to you.


IS HELL EXOTHERMIC OR ENDOTHERMIC?

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

BONUS QUESTION:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature/pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"


I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned...that money doesn't buy class.
I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned...that the Creator didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned...that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done.


After I died, I was watching my life pass before my eyes,
and halfway through I got bored! :)


Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, after which you'll be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about that toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

You Won't Find Any Ants In Your Pants, Cuz It's DEFINITELY Not A Picnic In There.


I have gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here.


Suburbia: where they rip out trees and then name streets after them.


"The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love."


May the fleas of a thousand camels infect the crotch of the person who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to reach.


Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a 
small town and put up a sign reading:

Dr Smith and Dr. Jones — " Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed 
it to read, " Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried, "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again. 
Then came, "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!
So they tried, " Analysis and Anal Cysts." --Not a chance!
"Nuts and Butts"? --No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks"? --Still no go.
"Loons and Moons"? --Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it!


The Three Rings of Marriage

1. The Engagement Ring.
2. The Wedding Ring.
3. Suffering.

 

 

 

MY NEXT LIFE

I want to live my next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy,
you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day
until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby
and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions
with central heating and room service on tap.

Until finally...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.
I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump,
and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go,
and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible,
but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable,
and I go there more often, as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent,
but I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing.

Now I sit me down in school,
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God,
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow,
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene..
The law is specific, the law is precise,
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall,
Might offend someone with no faith at all..
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the Provence.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks...
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible,
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles...
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns, the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

- Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services

Now think about this:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 83,000,000.
(Yes, that's 83 million..)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

- Statistics courtesy of the FBI

So, statistically,
doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large,
I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

 

 

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes
if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm.
This means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine.

GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word,
but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.
A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements
a women can make to a man.
That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint.
Just say you're welcome.
(This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot'
- that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.
DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

WHATEVER: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,
but is now doing it herself.
This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response, refer to NOTHING.

 

 

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are OBSESSIVE/COMPULSIVE, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are CO-DEPENDENT, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are PARANOID/DELUSIONAL, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are SCHIZOPHRENIC, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

 

 

CHILDRENíS DEFINITIONS

The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity.
The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs,
and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves
when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have been taken off.

The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines,
eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.
All water tends towards the moon,
because there is no water in the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.",

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion,
find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed:
Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.
If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest,
or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."

 

 

RATIO'S, WEIGHTS AND MEASURES

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
(think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing
at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

 

 

STRANGE THINGS

A Crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All polar bears are left-handed.

Americans consume about 18 acres of pizza every day.

Babies are born without kneecaps -
they don't appear until the child is 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over 100 vocal sounds, while dogs only have about 10.

A cat's urine glows under a black light (so does Ringworm).

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

February 1865 was the only month in recorded history that did not have a full moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If the population of China walked past you in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of population growth.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days,
you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

No new animals have been domesticated during the last 4,000 years.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one of her feet.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous is injected intravenously.

On the average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons that marijuana is illegal today
is because cotton growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers -
they saw it as competition.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live about nine years longer than left-handed persons.

Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump".

Starfish have no brains.

An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2,
moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel fuel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure
when it pumps blood out into the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The names of all the continents ends with the same letter that they began with.

The name Wendy was created for the story "Peter Pan".

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

there are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

 

 

GENDER OF NON-LIVING THINGS

Ziploc Bags are MALE,
because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are FEMALE, because once turned off;
it takes a while to warm them up again.
It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is MALE, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is MALE because to get it to go anywhere,
you have to light a fire under it,
and of course, there's the hot air part.

A Web Page is FEMALE, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is MALE, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

A Hammer is MALE, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is FEMALE.
Ha! (You thought it'd be MALE, didn't you?)
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

 

 

EVEN GOD APPRECIATES A GOOD LAUGH ...

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black, not Caucasian.

1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish.

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian.

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian.

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

And then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish.

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all -- 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman.

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.

 

 

THE ART OF WORDS

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris ... are in Seine.

A backward poet writes ... inverse.

A man's home is his castle ..., in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress ... just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

The definition of a will? ... (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia ... the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

 

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
(PART 1)

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

COFFEE (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.

FLABBERGASTED (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.

ABDICATE (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

ESPLANADE (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.

WILLY-NILLY (adj.): impotent.

NEGLIGENT (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

LYMPH (v.): to walk with a lisp.

GARGOYLE (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.

FLATULENCE (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

BALDERDASH (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.

TESTICLE (n.): a humorous question on an exam.

RECTITUDE (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

POKEMON (n): a Rastafarian proctologist.

OYSTER (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

FRISBEETARIANISM (n.): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 

 

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
(PART 2)

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

BOZONE (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

FOREPLOY (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

CASHTRATION (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

GIRAFFITI (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

SARCHASM (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

INOCULATTE (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

HIPATITIS (n): Terminal coolness.

OSTEOPORNOSIS (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

KARMAGEDDON (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

DECAFALON (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

GLIBIDO (v): All talk and no action.

DOPELER EFFECT (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

BEEZLEBUG (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

CATERPALLOR (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

IGNORANUS (n): A person who's both stupid and an ass h....